Signing off

I think that this blog has served it's purpose and I should stop posting before this becomes too self-indulgent. I need to close so I'll try and sum things up. Just one last mindless ramble.

As I mentioned before I've been doing quite a bit of browsing round other cancer blogs. I feel an affinity with other cancer patients, it is a bit of a community. Is it the same for the likes of strokes or heart disease? Is it because cancer can strike "healthy" people for no apparent reason. I suppose, by definition, the bloggers will be relatively young. The general reaction seems to be why me, I'm too young. Otherwise the main obsession seems to be hair-loss - "Hey, I've got got a potentially life-threatening disease, but, oh-no I'm going to lose my hair!!!"

I've done a bit of totalling up on what I've been through over the last 8 months:

12 doctors (1 GP, 2 surgeons, 1 anaesthetist, 2 radiologists, 2 A&E, 4 oncologists).

>20 nurses

7 radiographers.

2 CT scans, 1 PET scan, 1 sonogram and 1 chest X-ray.

8 blood tests. Total of 22 jabs (including flu vaccine).

42 visits to 5 hospitals.

3 haircuts - I still haven't had it cut since the end of radio. It's about the right length now. The blond seems to have grown out now, it's normal colour but a bit thicker. Perhaps I should grow pony tail.

Total bill £11202. As a (er-um) private patient you will be pleased to hear that this has not cost you anything (unless you're an AXA shareholder).

Overall it goes to show what a lot of effort our society is prepared to do to keep people alive. There was no judgement about whether I was a deserving case or not (at least I don't think so).

I also tried to review all my side-effects. I gave them 2 ratings on a scale of 1 to 5 for severity and duration. I then multiplied the 2 numbers to get an overall ranking. The allergic reaction was the clear winner on severity, but it only lasted one day. The worst symptom overall was the aching arms - I think I probably mentioned them frequently here. It was also the one thing that I dreaded after each chemo, especially since I didn't know when it might happen

So where does this leave me? Do I carry on with life as though nothing happened? Or do I shove it in peoples faces - "look at me cancer survivor"? The truth is I don't want either. I don't want to forget it, but I don't want to be defined by it. I hope it's made me a better person. It wasn't as bad as I expected (but I'm not claiming it's always easy). If told me I could turn back the clock and not do all this I'd say no. I'm glad I did it, I hope I can be a better person for it.

Oh, and while this has been going on there's lots of turmoil at work. Bits of the company being broken off and sold. At the moment I don't know if I've got a job next year. Maybe I'd better start worrying about that now. Well not for a week anyway - off on holiday to Turkey tomorrow.

Farewell to all and many thanks for all your support and best wishes.